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商务信函修改案例

来源:黄生 发布时间:2011-11-18 10:03:33
原函:

  Your message has been received. Thank you.


  It is difficult to understand your inquiry of 56mm 8ohm waterproof speaker which can handle 102db, because through our vast experience, it is almost impossible in technology. Can you supply us with your sample? If so, it would be big help to this project.


  Hope we could work together.


  Yours faithfully,


  很显然,这封邮件有很多缺点,首先语句呆板,严重的“生意腔”使邮件毫无生气。句子长而乱,含义模糊。没有提供足够的资料来支持自己的论点。更糟糕的是,措辞冒昧,极不礼貌。针对这些不足,我们再来看一下另一个版本。


  修改以后:


  Dear Mr. Jones:


  Thank you for your inquiry dated April 9.


  Regarding the product you are looking for, currently our factory doesn't have the exact specification as you mentioned. We would appreciate it if you could supply us more details about the product you need, such as usage, product structure, material, working condition and so on. That will help us to see if we are able to meet your specifications.


  Please take a moment to review some similar products in the enclosed catalog. They are all of high quality and have been exported to many countries worldwide.


  Thanks again and we are looking forward to establishing a business relationship with your company in the near future.


  Any of your early comments will be highly appreciated.


  Best regards,


  Chen Rong


  Director, International Marketing


  Zhejiang Golden Textiles


  现在您觉得好多了吧!即使这次不能满足对方的需求,只要我们处理得当,还是可以保留住潜在合作的机会。有时候,信函的作用就是这么重要。